“You”, “Her” or “She” can be anyone; any women deserving this kind of
love. And if it is you...your seconds have turned into minutes and I pray the
minutes turn into a lifetime.
My capacity; the maximum amount of energy required for me to
love you. I once thought I had lost the ability to love. Yet soon I came to the
realization my capacity just changed; my maximum just spiked to a prodigious
amount. For a long time the energy required exceeded that of even the longest
of lives. But as I matured my capacity changed once again; it decreased to a…modest
amount. If quantified one could reflect it in the form of seconds… less than
300 to be exact. And my heart is the metronome and counter.
In less than 5 minutes I can tell if I have the capacity to
love you. It’s always less than 5 minutes. It doesn’t have to be 5 minutes of
observation all at once. Most of the time it’s cumulative. Its 6 seconds of me
watching her briefly as I turn my head to pass her on the highway. Its 12
seconds at a stop light when I look over, only for 3 seconds at a time. Its 2 minutes and 15 seconds when I am on
stage at an open mic pretending not to be staring at her and focusing on her
side of the room using my peripherals to keep her in my gaze. It’s the 20
second conversation we have once a week in passing.
And the irony is, there are many if not hundreds out there
with the capacity for me to love them. But to date I have only met less than 30
of the few and proud.
I used to think there was a “one” true love. But I’ve come
to learn there are far more anomalies on this earth; souls worth sharing the
world with. And maybe I can’t give her the world but sharing mine with her
should be enough.
There are hundreds of you, constantly adding seconds on a
daily basis. The 4 seconds I can still smell your perfume after you leave a
room. Even the second or two from imagining the silhouette of your body in my
peripheral view. The seconds spent dreaming about…her. Damn…I wish I could show
her my dreams.
And there are even songs that remind me of you. The figment
of my fantasies and nightmares; the torturer of my imagination. The one that
causes my heart to beat faster to cheat the clock in the rarest of forms; heart
racing and chasing after…her. The imaginary girl of my dreams whose spirit
lives in a few hundred girls; but only 2 by my skin and fingers count.
And the worst part is when she has been shown to be worthy
of my love… Miss 300 with my chronometer for her now in the hundreds of
thousands; but she is in love with someone else. Someone who never counted the
seconds. Someone who uses another 4 letter word starting with “L”.
But who can blame him for using and abusing a goddess
knowing he has her bound and can drag her by her aorta and pulmonary artery. And
who are we to tell her she fell in love with the wrong one. And she…is afraid
to admit, she has made another mistake. And yet my heart still ticks for her,
praying for her release from his grip. And as much as I try my timekeeper
cannot tick in reverse.
Enticed by curiosity at times I count foolishly with the
watch on my wrist and not my heart thinking I can force myself to fall for
something that was never meant to be. Trying hopelessly to tell my heart the
clock is at 3 minutes and not 3 seconds only later realizing my attempts at
forced love are futile. And that she, just as thousands of others will never
pass 10 seconds. And my heart never lies. Because for every 10 second stare, 3
minute conversation and 1 hour dinner it accumulates a fair amount of wasted
dollars, wasted energy and most importantly wasted time. So my heart does not
play… even if I do.
It doesn’t play because of what is at stake. Langston described
it in what he would do “To Artina” saying, “I will take your heart, I will take
your soul”. And my heart is its key. The key to unlocking immeasurable wonders
and joy, trust and interdependence, and maybe we can’t change the world but we
can change the world around us. Maybe I can’t give you the moon, but I can take
you to the stars. I can heal and soothe your battle scars and touch the inner
you. We can have a covenant and begin a new chapter in history starting with
our seeds. Hmm yes indeed.
But the question is… do I have the capacity to love you?
Am I counting your seconds?
Or just wasting your time.
-Moises Seraphin
Written while listening to:
Nice cuz
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